it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
