I hate your face
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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