I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
