That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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