She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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