Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
birth control should be required to get into college
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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