Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
