Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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