I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
