I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my poor anus
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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