Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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