Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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