I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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