I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you win again, gameday.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
