if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
