im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
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