you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
