god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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