before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
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Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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