Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
