that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
