how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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