i think my tv is drunk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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