i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
