my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
