If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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