Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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