Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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