running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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