Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
