im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
tell me about the fingering
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