Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
