I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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