I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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