my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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