So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
