mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
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