Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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