You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
