I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
