I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
