Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
