"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
