Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
40s are totally the cure
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
