I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
