Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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