what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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