flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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