I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
