if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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