my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
