why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
