the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
