i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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