I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
