Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
