I just saw a hot homeless man
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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