a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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