Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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