So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
